Words and photos by Lena Bannon, who studied abroad with ASA in Oxford during the Spring semester of 2024.
It was February 2024, while I was on a semester-long study abroad program in Oxford, England, and this particular weekend I found myself in Edinburgh, Scotland. Arguably, it's one of the prettiest places in the world, but personally, I could not have felt more lost in life—physically and mentally. I felt my mental health slowly declining during the previous weeks and then as I was getting ready for my weekend trip, everything hit me.
The pressure of adjusting to a new academic environment, coupled with the distance from family and friends, was starting to take its toll. I had tried to stay positive, immersing myself in classes and meeting new people, but the weight of loneliness and anxiety was creeping in. The excitement of traveling was overshadowed by a profound sense of unease. I found myself questioning my choices—was studying abroad the right decision?
Well, the quick answer—it was...but the long answer? It took me a while to realize that it was. In Edinburgh, as I wandered the charming streets lined with historic architecture, I felt a disconnection from the beauty surrounding me; it's like I couldn't even begin to appreciate it until I overcame this sadness. Each step felt heavy as if I were dragging my worries along with me. I often found myself lost in thought, questioning if I was truly making the most of this incredible opportunity or if I was simply going through the motions because I had to, or if it was because others were doing so. There were moments when I felt utterly helpless as if I were watching my experience slip away from me without being able to fully engage. I couldn't grasp what I was feeling or why and I felt dumb. I was trying to keep in all my feelings and call my family less to not have them worry, but that just made it worse for both ends. I didn't want my siblings and parents to think I had given up, or I was wasting this opportunity. But, like anything, it became too much and I hit a breaking point.
There I was alone in an 8-story walk-up hostel, while my friends went to the pub, and as I was surrounded by triple bunk beds, high ceilings, and bolted windows, I laid and cried, and cried, and cried some more. There was nothing else I could do; I couldn't grasp what I was feeling or why I was, but I knew I had to get out of wherever I was. I was calling family at home, family and friends in surrounding countries, and even a depression hotline to calm my nerves.
After calming my nerves a little, and trying to call others to distract me, I came to the realization that I had to leave; I needed to go back to my flat in Oxford and figure it all out there. Staying in this unknown place, with people who don't know me too well, wouldn't help anything. I put myself first and bought the first flight out the next morning.
Immediately I felt a little better knowing I would be in a familiar place soon and back to a routine. As my friends returned from the pub and we prepared for bed, I shared my plan with them, and they encouraged me to do what felt right for me. And that morning, to my surprise, all my roommates woke up and walked me through the streets of Edinburgh at 4am to catch the bus to the airport. Their kindness meant the world to me; it felt like a small farewell ritual. As we reached the bus stop, I turned to thank them, appreciating how much their support had bolstered my spirits. I boarded the bus feeling a mix of gratitude and anticipation, ready to return to the comfort of my flat and the familiar rhythm of my life. Yet, in the back of my mind, I knew I still had these thoughts of sadness that I would have to face when I returned to Oxford.
Once I returned to Oxford, these thoughts did not magically go away, but I don't think anyone thought they would. But I had a lot of work to do mentally before I could think of my next step on my abroad journey. I called a close family friend in London and stayed with her for a couple of days. And lord was that my saving grace! It was exactly what I needed and missed the most, a home-cooked meal, the chaos of children and a family , and a big bed to sleep in. I know I am so lucky to have had this person to call and scoop me up when I needed it the most.
Once back in Oxford, yes again, I tried to get out as much as possible. Even when I woke up crying, I still put on any clothes I could find and went for a walk. I began to find new places in Oxford that I had not seen before because I was blinded by my worries and sadness. Once I began to get out more, and push past my anxiety, I began to make several new friends, travel to new places, this time with less scary hostels to be alone in, and made memories of a lifetime.
Nothing is easy; it's cliche, but it's true. The first weeks in Oxford were smooth sailing, not a care in the world, but it's like my body needed that reminder, and ever since that trip I have been so proud of myself. Anxiety is not always a bad thing; this is a huge misconception. It's like the famous quote, if you are not nervous, you are not ready! Anxiety just shows you and the people around you how much you truly care. I needed to find the care and come back to reality, to appreciate who I was, where I am, and allow myself to fully grasp the opportunity I had.
I am forever grateful that I am able to use my voice to share my story, because no one should ever suffer alone.
Thanks, Lena!
(NOTE: If you're abroad and you're struggling with anxiety, excessive worries, or other mental health concerns, please reach out to your ASA site director. We can offer support and access to resources. For example, ASA includes a paid subscription to Mindhamok, our mental health services partner, for every UK/Europe semester and summer program participant. This is a 24-7 service designed to support study abroad students’ mental, physical and social wellbeing throughout their journey.)